I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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