I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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