your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Randomize
