2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
