I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
