Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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