i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
