how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
