I am in a vortex of obligation.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
