Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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