Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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