Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
