yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
