dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
