so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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