the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
