My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
