Got a toothbrush?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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