she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
im calling her cock vulture from now on
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
