Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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