if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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