Your face is a jimmy john
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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