So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The Olympian is in my bed
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
