You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
