The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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