if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We need a shit load of segways right now
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
