just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just found puke in my bra..
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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