Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
