youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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