i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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