I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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