I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
