remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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