my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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