Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
