so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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