I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
