this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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