My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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