who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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