Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
