I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
