I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
