I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
