how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
