we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
