sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
