I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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