It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
