Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
