Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize