If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize