my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
