So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
