call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
