My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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