I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
