with your own penis?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
