I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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