just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize