Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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